It has been three weeks and a day since I left London. I cannot say that I wish I was there because lately, I’m not feeling much of anything… I get out of bed around noon, I stuff my face with whatever’s around the house, watch reruns of hospital/doctor dramas and comedies (House, Grey’s Anatomy, and Scrubs)… and if I decide that I need air, I spend my late afternoons cruising the cosmetics stores at the local malls for free samples… And to top it off, my sprained ankle limits my mobility as it is still pretty swollen and incredibly prone to more swelling and pain if I wear the wrong shoes or walk to much (crutches are a pain in the ass to carry around, so I don’t use them, which is more than likely affecting my rate of healing).
I’m not very motivated to do much else as I’m waiting to hear whether or not I’ll be employed soon. I feel like I’m always waiting for the next big thing that’s supposed to happen to me. While considerably patient, I’m still not a fan of this waiting game. The friends that I drew inspiration from are all far away, some in Europe, other in different parts of the state and country, all far enough away that to establish a connection with them is more work than my inspirationless existence can muster. I want to do more in every aspect of my life… and this is really a pivotal moment in my life: hopefully reasonably soon, I’ll be taking my first steps into professionalism and REAL adulthood with responsibilities and bills (as the grace period for my loans are coming to a close)… I should be excited… And I should be going out more, taking chances and making the moves necessary for other big, exciting things in my life to happen. I should be excited about my youth and vigor and the endless opprotunities before me.
But I’m not. I’m broke. I’m bored. I’m uninspired and unmotivated. The new me just doesn’t fit back into my old life. I feel like a big fish in a little pond: I’m going nowhere fast. But instead of hopping into that stream that’ll take me to the vast ocean of possibilities, I’m chilling. I don’t know why and I can hardly bring myself to cure my uninspiration…
Maybe I’m just in a funk. I hope this ends soon.
~ L. Astounded