… Bank Statements tell me the UGLY TRUTH that I don’t wanna hear…

I’m awful at saving money.  It doesn’t help that my mother and father are as well (both of whom are so broke, I’m pretty sure I make more than the both of them combined)…

At my first full time job,  I match what my brother makes as a manager (with no degrees, but tons more experience than I have).  I don’t know anything about tax brackets and all that jazz, but apparently I’m in a pretty high one for an entry level position.  I have to fill out fancy IRS forms… One of these days, I’ll find out wtf theymean… one of these days (#laziness is a bitch).

I don’t mean to be boisterous by any means because I feel underpaid for the amount of education that I’ve received.   But I do I make a decent amount of money… and while a significant amount of money goes to paying off my debt and helping out my mom, I would say just as much goes towards… God knows what at this point.   Somehow, I end up with very little till the next paycheck.  It wasn’t for adjusting my contribution to my 401k, I would have saved next to nothing…

Why am I finding it so difficult to not spend?  I’ve come to the conclusion that saving is completely motivated by very simply having something to save for: a life together, an investment, a lavish purchase, a home to call your own, etc.  They’re all dreams for the future, something achievable and tangible.

These are the incentives for saving.  As of right now, however, I have none of those ambitions.  As such, my view of money is very shortsighted.  I just want to look pretty, so all of my money goes to make-up and clothes and nights out.  And a guilty pleasure of mine: I eat out a lot, she says, head hanging in shame and she consults her last bank statement.   I probably could have done a couple of week’s worth of groceries with what I blew in restaurants.   I know it’s wasteful in retrospect, but it seems like such an insignificant expenditure at the time…

Once again, I come around to this theme that echoes through most of my writings: I need something more in my life right now… purpose/focus/motivation… maybe setting some achievable goal will help me to get there and really put my whole life in perspective.

I’ll figure it out, I’m sure… I think too much about it not to. In the meantime, some summer math:

What is the limit of this integral as  a→∞ ?

∫ Long weekend + ¼fresh paycheck  x lazinessª x liquor ± preferably on the shore…

… I don’t remember much about calculus but I’m pretty sure it’s ≥ Tuesday, :-)…

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