%#^%@&!!

I wrote this whole long, thoughtful post and somehow the page refreshed and I didn’t save.  So now it’s gone…

 

So all you guys get is my frustration… DAMMIT!!!!!!  

 

Don’t expect anything soon, I’m too angry…

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I’m Bored and Boring

I haven’t been posting because I honestly have nothing to talk about!  Is it just me or was life so much more interesting in college…?

Now I’m bored all the time… and it’s so much harder to find things to talk about…. I have no boyfriend and I have a scant social life… most of my time is spent at work, pushing papers and I REALLY try to avoid talking about work… Jesus Christ, anything but work…

I need to become more interesting…  but I’m at a loss for how to do that.   Oh, the terrible woes of adulthood.

Ouch!! (disappointedly) Oh …

So today, I decided to be stupid, young and spontaneous and I got something pierced… my left tragus to be exact.

It hurt like hell…  and apparently it will take about a year to heal.  Looking in the mirror, I can’t help but think that the ball closure of the curved dumbbell she placed in the piercing looks ridiculously large and awkward: like i just superglued a random ball bearing from my roller blades onto my ear.

The lesson?  Don’t ever get a cartilage piercing on a whim…  The fifty bucks blown, the pain and the awkwardness of the piercing doesn’t really seem worth it after the fact -_- …

… Bank Statements tell me the UGLY TRUTH that I don’t wanna hear…

I’m awful at saving money.  It doesn’t help that my mother and father are as well (both of whom are so broke, I’m pretty sure I make more than the both of them combined)…

At my first full time job,  I match what my brother makes as a manager (with no degrees, but tons more experience than I have).  I don’t know anything about tax brackets and all that jazz, but apparently I’m in a pretty high one for an entry level position.  I have to fill out fancy IRS forms… One of these days, I’ll find out wtf theymean… one of these days (#laziness is a bitch).

I don’t mean to be boisterous by any means because I feel underpaid for the amount of education that I’ve received.   But I do I make a decent amount of money… and while a significant amount of money goes to paying off my debt and helping out my mom, I would say just as much goes towards… God knows what at this point.   Somehow, I end up with very little till the next paycheck.  It wasn’t for adjusting my contribution to my 401k, I would have saved next to nothing…

Why am I finding it so difficult to not spend?  I’ve come to the conclusion that saving is completely motivated by very simply having something to save for: a life together, an investment, a lavish purchase, a home to call your own, etc.  They’re all dreams for the future, something achievable and tangible.

These are the incentives for saving.  As of right now, however, I have none of those ambitions.  As such, my view of money is very shortsighted.  I just want to look pretty, so all of my money goes to make-up and clothes and nights out.  And a guilty pleasure of mine: I eat out a lot, she says, head hanging in shame and she consults her last bank statement.   I probably could have done a couple of week’s worth of groceries with what I blew in restaurants.   I know it’s wasteful in retrospect, but it seems like such an insignificant expenditure at the time…

Once again, I come around to this theme that echoes through most of my writings: I need something more in my life right now… purpose/focus/motivation… maybe setting some achievable goal will help me to get there and really put my whole life in perspective.

I’ll figure it out, I’m sure… I think too much about it not to. In the meantime, some summer math:

What is the limit of this integral as  a→∞ ?

∫ Long weekend + ¼fresh paycheck  x lazinessª x liquor ± preferably on the shore…

… I don’t remember much about calculus but I’m pretty sure it’s ≥ Tuesday, :-)…

Taking a (guilt) trip back home…

Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes—accurately or not—that… she has violated a moral standard, and bears significant responsibility for that violation.” ~ Good ol’ Wikipedia.

The only force strong enough to take me away from London is guilt.   It is my ultimate weakness… it will lead me to contradict myself, to break promises to myself, to be inconsistent, and I will fail to reach many goals because of it.   If I let guilt seed, take root and grow, it gets in the way.  Like a brick wall, there’s no getting through it.

Never mind if I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I feel like I would have had a better chance of figuring that out if I stayed here.   I feel robbed of an opportunity to achieve something… something different, something more suited to my uniqueness… even though it was my own undue guilt that did the robbing.

Sometimes I wish I could be selfish and care less… I can’t but it never stopped me from trying.  Alas, guilt always kills me in the end.

 

As I look back on all that I’ve done to you
My biggest regret’s
The things that I never could do

~ L. Astounded

DOOOOOM… The End is Near!

The children are the future.  As a young adult slowly shaking off the last vestiges of my childhood, this phrase came to mind.  Yet, from where I’m sitting, behind my skinny caramel macchiato, switching between Facebook and WordPress, the future of our generation looks bleak.

We were the first to be brought up with the internet and mobile gadgets being a part of our every day life (and probably the last generation who will ever know what a tape and VHS looks like).  But has it made us lazy?  We’re so used to everything being instant: a few keystrokes on Google and all of our questions are answered, no need to waste time learning anything.  No more than 90 seconds needs to be spared to get us served at our local McDonalds… even sex is instant, whether in the form of cheap, easily accessible porn or cheap, easily accessible girls (thanks to low standards and little self-worth).  You can get ordained as minister online, cheapening one of the most profound spiritual experiences to something as easy as preparing a cup of ramen noodles: three minutes on high in the microwave and, ta-da!, instant faith!  Everything, and I mean everything, is instant.

My thoughts were on Tyler Climenti recently, the Rutgers freshman who committed suicide after a gay sexual encounter of his was streamed on the internet, as his name is being lent to a new piece of legislation in New Jersey against bullying.  I would never wish what happened to him on my worst enemy.  Figuring out your sexuality is a daunting and potentially traumatizing experience in the privacy of your own bedroom let alone being broadcasted to complete strangers.  But his response to the provocation worries me beyond words.  A growing solution amongst youths that fits right in with our expectations of instant everything:  suicide, the quickest way out of any problem.  Is the increasing suicide rate amongst teens and young people a function of our instant lifestyle, or is the rate of mental illness amongst us increasing…?  Either way, we as a generation are damned and doomed if this trend continues…

What has all of this gotten us?  Our generation’s lifespan is the first expected to decrease in modern history.  We’re going to die younger than our parents because we’re less active, more obese, more hostile and violent towards our peers…  And we can only blame the preceding generation so much before our actions really and truly become wholly our own.

Have you noticed the most recent dialogues floating around about the future that our generation spearheads usually ends in a cataclysm of biblical  –  to be precise: apocalyptic –  proportions:  the extinction of the human species.  Whether our globe is rendered inhabitable by climate change, nuclear annihilation or divine judgment seems irrelevant: the end of the Age of Man is within reach in the future that has been handed to our generation.  And the vast majority of us are too overly connected, over caffeinated and overly concerned with carnal matters to even care!

I don’t know what we’re being tested on, but I get the sinking feeling that our generation has already failed.

My advice: let’s collectively get our acts together… use social networks as forces of change, instead of a means of entertainment.  Let’s start caring about our environment and ask questions like: ‘Is that empty can really being recycled appropriately?’ and instead of expecting the answer to pop up on Google, move our asses to where we need to go and find out!  And while we’re on the subject of moving, we need to move more!  Get our blood pumping, drive less (gets us brownie points on the environment issue as well) so that we don’t die a rich, overindulgent death in a pool of our own belly fats.  And let’s take the time to cook our food instead of relying on fast food.  Nothing worth having is easy to obtain, that is a fundamental truth that we learned when our parents tried to instill us with values of hard work, earning and merit.  So we need to start prioritzing and spending our time concerned about the things that really matter and stop relying on quick fixes, because a quick fix only lasts for so long…

This is what we need to do… If not, you better make peace with whatever god you believe in, because our doom is inevitable.

 

Love me like you know the world is about to end baby, quickly.

~ L. Astounded