Trouble Sleeping

I have this reoccurring dream. There are no words or images, just sensations and feelings.

         All I know for sure in the dream is that I’m being attacked, that my life is in imminent danger. I need to scream. My body is bent over double, the pressure from contorting in such a way should allow this wrenching scream to come forth from somewhere deep inside, primal, guttural and beyond all comprehension; a scream that must escape the blackest of my insides. Only I can’t. The air is caught in my chest, and it can’t get out, as if being blocked. Something is steadily constricting my throat, asphyxiating me from one end while the pressure from the scream that can’t escape builds up from the other. The scream and my life force are matched in a steady deadlock in my upper abdomen and the tension builds up to a hard, desperate, feverish pain against my chest and it hurts like nothing ever has, but all I can do is let out a barely audible wheeze.

         It feels like I’m dying and it’s terrifying. This unknown danger that threatens to take away my life and my inability to relieve myself of this scream are both killing me.

         And I always wake up with my heart beating rapidly with a cold sweat on my brow. I’m almost sure that I’ve narrowly averted certain death. It feels so real every time.

Another Again…

Every time an era in my life comes to a close, or I embark on something new, I always feel compelled to start writing, to chronicle the novel events as they unfold.  So this is what this newest blog is for:

I’m done with grad school, and I am currently gallivanting about London and will continue to do so for the next two to three months until I return home to get a real job… Alas, the growing up and responsibilities that I came to London to escape have finally caught up with me!  Blast!

New things always inspired me to start fresh in every aspect in my life.  I start chanting morning affirmations to reassure myself that I indeed am a beautiful, confident, strong, independent woman (o_O)… I tell myself that I’m going to cultivate more patience and I’m going to try to be more spiritual.  I say this often, despite regularly straying from the straight and narrow… 

And I even joined a gym yesterday.  Since I have not stepped foot in a gym in more than a year, it seemed appropriate that this newly found vigour for life be directed towards getting in shape.  Indeed, I do have a bridesmaid’s dress to fit into by next August, and crash diets only ever led me to crash into the nearest fast-food restaurant to feed my starving ass after two weeks of false hope… 

So I figured I’d do it right this time!   Paid for my membership yesterday evening and intended to run the this afternoon after work.  By 1:30 today, I had a bellyache and was gassy from eating nothing but vegetables for two days straight, exhausted for absolutely no reason and seriously considering walking down to the gym and asking for a refund just so I could take a nap this afternoon instead… Yes, folks, I’m a mess…

Anyway, all this planning to renew, improve and change myself forced me to contemplate identity.  It’s a reoccurring theme in my writing, only I’m thinking about it a little differently than I ever had before because I’ve found the more I learn about myself, the less I can really figure me out.  I used to be really good at breaking myself down, defending, and defining myself… now, my most common answer to ‘Who am I?  What am I about?’ is ‘I don’t really know.’

I don’t know what I want to be.  I don’t know where I’m going or even would like to go… And while I have all the potential makings for greatness (I’m far more humble than this line would have you believe), I fear that I will soon succumb to my greatest fear: mediocrity and settling for whatever comfortable situation comes along… If that ever happens, I’m giving you all permission to shoot me… I’m serious!

Now, embarking on another again and I’m trying to write it down to try to make sense of it…  Truth be told, I don’t even know if what I write ever makes sense, but that never stopped me from sharing…  And I assure you, there will be some intelligent opinion pieces on the world around us in my WordPress… I won’t be ranting about how confused I am all that time… I even tired of hearing myself sometimes…

 

Everybody knows, but nobody really knows

~ L. Astounded…